Sometimes, You Get Comfortable...

Ness City, Kansas police answered a house call February 27th to find a woman stuck to a toilet seat because she had been sitting on it for two years. Her boyfriend called city police saying that there was "something wrong" with his girlfriend. You see, he knew she'd been on the toilet, his toilet, for the past 2 years, but every day when he would ask her if she wanted to get off she'd answer "Maybe tomorrow." She sat on his toilet for so long, her ass skin had grown onto the seat, causing her to have to go to the hospital with a toilet seat stuck to her butt.

I guess from time to time we all take a little more than the few minutes allotted for that type of activity. But whether you cracked the spine of a good new book, or simply opened the 650+ page April issue of Vogue and could not budge due to its weight, you could still get off the pot within two years. Or, like, the same hour.

I'm no detective, but I'm going to take a wild guess as to what was involved in this strange story. I won't say what it is, but it almost rhymes with "Pistol Theft."
I said almost.

Posted by: Brittany
Story: Yahoo News

In Defense Of...

In Defense Of… is a segment in which the author searches for redeeming value in something society has deemed completely reprehensible. Clarence Darrow would understand.

Today's victim: Mary-Ann, aka Dawn Wells of Gilligan's Island fame, who was recently arrested for pot possession (four half-smoked joints) on the way home from her surpise 69th birthday party.

When I'm 69, I will be telling everyone "fuck off!" before they can even get a word in edgewise. Except my possible grandchildren, to whom I will hand $100 bills on the sly for sneaking me alcohol, cigarettes (I plan to start hardcore smoking at 65, because, why not?), and White Castle. Because that's my right as an old person.

You just don't arrest old people for smoking weed. It's in the constitution. Show some respect to your elders. And Mary-Ann, next time you decide to toke up, don't drive. You must be rich enough from Gilligan's residuals to afford a driver, at least.

Posted by: Brittany

Story and Photo: TMZ

Need Some Good Vodka In Your Life!

I am going to assume that everyone who reads this blog is much like my self: a classy person who enjoys the finer things in life, but can’t quite afford them. Here is a recipe to turn water into wine. Well not quite; to take cheap vodka, and turn it into expensive vodka.

The first thing you need is a Brita water filter. Next, you need the cheapest vodka you can find. Think the closest thing to rubbing alcohol that is available on the market. Don’t forget you need a new filter and it needs to be soaked just like it would if you were filtering regular water. Next, you need to pour your cheap vodka though the Brita pitcher approximately FIVE times, as this distills the liquid. Remember, the main difference between top shelf vodka and bottom shelf vodka, is the distillation process.

Ta Da! Now you have made your own personal batch of Grey Goose or my favorite, Belvedere Vodka, to share with all the people you like at your next party. It's sure to be a hit!





Disclaimer: If you die or get sick it's not my fault. Depending on how you buy your Brita filters, this process can cost as much as a regular bottle of good vodka.

Posted By: Imon

Amy Winehouse: Why Do You Smoke Crack?

I apologize for referring to Amy Winehouse as “coked-out” in my last post.

She actually smokes crack. My bad.

Really, Amy. Why? Why do you smoke crack? I thought you were rich. And even if you aren’t exactly raking it in, I know you are not spending money on purses and Louboutins and all that. You own one pair of ballet flats! And aren’t you famous? You probably get drugs for free, but I don’t think crack rock is usually included in that sort of deal. Freebasing is not very glamorous. This leads me to believe that you paid for crack. You, a rich, legitimate celebrity, paid for crack. In 2008.

I am amazed when I see crackheads nowadays. Crackheads can’t stick around for long, because, well, crack kills. So that means that most current crackheads are people who started smoking crack within last 10 years, tops. Meaning that they knew what crack does to families, communities, and the human body, and decided to try it anyway. Like I said, I am amazed when I see crackheads nowadays, but rich crackheads? Come on.

I don’t think that there is much more to say on the subject. Luckily, you can afford to kick the habit. Many people with your same problem do not have the money for things like rehab and counseling. Get thee to Promises and stay off the pipe, please!

Posted by: Brittany

Story and photo courtesy of The Sun